MUSING: HERSELF

As a quiet rebellion and a way of pulling myself back together, I decided to create an alter ego. This was after a major rejection from a top modeling agency.

In the modeling world, you are expected to show up as “yourself” and at the same time remain a blank slate that allows a designer to mold you into their perfect muse. Add in the measurements required for the job, and you’re left with maintaining the balance of who you are and who others think you should be. I figured that if I could maintain a perfect balance between this dichotomy I would appear as a more bookable model.

I was working well when I had the request to meet with bookers from one of the most powerful agencies. Everyone on the team seemed excited about me and offered me a contract. But there were some caveats – I was asked to lose some inches around my waist and hips and not to walk any shows that season. This was a big request but not a totally uncommon one in the industry. Many models and creatives at large use the strategy of disappearing from the public’s eye while they make changes or work on something new in order to grab attention of their audience or clients when they make their reemergence.

At the time of this offer, I had just arrived to New York for Fashion week and already had a few potential clients who I had to pass on if I wanted to move forward with that agency.

I decided to do what they requested because they guaranteed signing me if I followed through. I asked for the promise to be put in writing and with that I took on the painstaking challenge of losing inches on my already small frame. I was so eager that I immediately got to work with a personal trainer and made strict changes to my diet. This all came with its own challenges because while I never went hungry, it was an extremely limiting and came with a bit of overexercising.

WHEN YOUR BEST IS STILL NOT ENOUGH

I achieved the goals in about two months and had a follow up meeting. To my shock, the agency didn’t keep their end of the promise and instead I was met with a list of reasons why they changed their minds. Most of the feedback focused less on measurements and more on the idea of me being too muscular. They said that I converted any remaining fat on my body to muscle (side note: That’s scientifically impossible) and stressed that there are “real people” that model, people that were athletes that also model and finally there were “Model” models – by the tone of their feedback, I did not fall in that category for them.

That’s where the Imposter Syndrome kicked in, because if I wasn’t a “Model” model this entire time – what the heck was I? I had dedicated several years, tons of energy and even relocated to other countries solely to fulfill contract obligations and now I was being told that I didn’t really meant the qualifications.

Up until that point in my career I had endured a plethora of rejection so I thought my mental health was impenetrable. The rejection was always followed up with reasons why I wasn’t “good enough”. For some clients I was too tall, others too short, I’ve even had clients tell me I don’t eat enough within the first 5 minutes of meeting them so by that point dealing with rejection and offensive reasoning was a piece of cake. But now, here I was being told to loose more weight and when I did, I was too muscular.

Exhausted, confused and mentally drained, I decided to push through and re–strategize. I decided that refreshing my portfolio with new photographers interesting styles was a good way to go. On my first return, I was told my look lacked intrigue and that I was “just another pretty Black girl with an afro”. That critique stung but the suggested changes stung deeper:

“Shave your head, your eyebrows, reinvent yourself with makeup and shock value,” was the advice I received – and only way the photographer would consider working with me. Could you imagine? I was being asked to loose myself in exchange for who and what everyone else thought I should be. Not to mention, I’d be risking the chances of losing all of the clients I had at that time.

My experience taught me several lessons, from having a deeper understanding of self worth, to understanding the value I am willing to place on the objects and situations outside of me. Most importantly I learned the correlation of the both.

REMEMBERING WHO YOU ARE. REMEMBERING YOUR BOUNDARIES.

I was dismayed by the photographer’s advice but I took it anyway, with an artistic approach this time. I began shaping this idea of the industry's “perfect” Muse.

That’s when many more questions started to arise:

“What if I took every piece of advice or followed every instruction?”

“Who or what would I become?”

“Would I still be here?” And if I was…

“What kind of existence would that be?”

With that, I present to you the MUSE.

“I will not love something enough to let it kill me” – Zora Neale Hurston